@LuckoftheDraw86: Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent's disappointment has started following me around.
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@batkaren: [1st date] "I'm really into roll playing," I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
@Tups13: I've discovered the best way to get attention is to sit on the coffee table and meow loudly.
@stephenjmolloy: Chameleon wife: "Does my bum look big in this dress?" Chameleon husband: "What dress? Where are you?"
@david8hughes: [identifying body] Cop: this him? Me: yea Cop: he's burnt pretty bad huh Me: yea Cop: ... Me: ... Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation