@Brianhopecomedy: Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
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@curlycomedy: The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
@XplodingUnicorn: My wife says I'm wasting my time on Twitter. She doesn't understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
@Jeffwni: [Ancient Egypt job centre] - Name? "Ankhesenamun" - How do you spell that? "Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest"