Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
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It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth