Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
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If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.