@maughammom: Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
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@robdelaney: How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife's birthday presents there before she left me.
@VerifiedDrunk: If evolution were real you'd think my body would've learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
@daemonic3: [in bed] HER: I want you to do something naughty ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she's seen it*
@brittwastaken: There's only two ways to do things: the easy way or the way I'm actually going to end up doing it.