Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
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Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Spring cleaning checklist…
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?