@maughammom: Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
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@ranndrew: Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th. Bae Cop: My parents aren't home. Come over.
@TheBoydP: What's it called when a super model wants to date an accountant? Wishful thinking. Obviously
@orange_rhymer: Cashier: how old r u? Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21 Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
@HatfieldAnne: First 20 minutes driving through farm country: "Isn't this pretty?" Next 3 hours: *can't remember a life before corn*