Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
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uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Why does laundry happen to good people?
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
*orders delivery*
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.