@Papa_Mex: Either the dude in the bathroom was having a surprise birth, or he needs to eat a LOT less hay in his diet....
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@AbbieEvansXO: [at Hooters] Me: you shouldn't be working here. you're a human being Waitress: look, it's my choi- Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
@PaperWash: [Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I'm blasting Rebecca Black on repeat] Who's nightmare is it now Freddy?!
@SarcasticAlly12: When a kid wants to snuggle it means you're about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.