Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
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Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
all bases covered
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual