Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
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I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?