Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
You Might Also Like
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
hmmm
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice