Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
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God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭