El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
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My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
sry
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.