[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
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If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice