ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
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Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Merry Christmas
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.