Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
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Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I have written yet another poem about laundry
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”