Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
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Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
broke down and did it
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
That time Alicia messaged me
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking