[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
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I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.