[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
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If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Sounds like a bargain
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.