@philsturgeon: Elevator is broken. Had to use the other one. #firstworldproblems
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@MatCro: [restaurant] ME: Do you have updog? WAITER: [sighs] No sir M: Ok, is this gluten free? W: No you have to pay for it M: Damn you're good
@aksorojas: I'm scared of buying an iPhone X cos there's a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt's and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
@BestestNerdDad: When dating, I only have 3 dates to get a woman hooked on me because thats how many nice shirts i have.