Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
You Might Also Like
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??