@philsturgeon: Elevator is broken. Had to use the other one. #firstworldproblems
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@causticbob: My boss is coming to my grandad's funeral tomorrow. He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
@dshack8: Me: Can u send me those documents? Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by-- Me: Nope, don't try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
@thebeckyard: Me: Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your family! Dishonor on your house! Olive Garden server: Please stop! I'll bring more cheese to grate!
@shatty48: Don't ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don't wanna look suspicious.