[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
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kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?