99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
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me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest