Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
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I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
i could never be president. im overqualified.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?