*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
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Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?