Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
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Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”