ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
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I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
3% human
97% stress
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
even bears disappoint their mothers
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.