ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
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I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital