Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
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Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
🙋♀️
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Mistakes were made
Comparing yourself to others
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what