Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
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She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early