Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
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I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Cool shirt 🙂
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Traveler’s camo