ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
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I triple waxed for this?
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement