My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
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maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article