Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
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Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.