5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Erm…
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school