I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
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“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now