Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
You Might Also Like
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before