For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
You Might Also Like
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Happy Star Wars day!
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance