Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
You Might Also Like
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Catering service
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.