I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
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The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.