Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
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damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
How to find Kentucky on a map
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
*3.5 thank you very much.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Waiting for the Charmin