Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
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I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Finally, an explanation.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.