[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
You Might Also Like
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.