Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
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Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect