BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
You Might Also Like
put ‘er there pardner!
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes