Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
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This will never not be funny to me.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.