Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
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Sign at work today
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
My work here is don’t.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.