at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
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If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why