e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
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Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.