emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
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[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
are they though??
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss