{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
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Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.