– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
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Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
starting a garage orchestra
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same