My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
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When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
welp
Not all heroes wear capes…
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
My kitchen overserved me.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?