{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
You Might Also Like
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
accurate
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand